AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Carol Connelly: Stop it! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Why? Just a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me! I -
[Beverly (her mother) butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
[Beverly (her mother) butts in, and Carol turns to her.]
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
BABY BOOM
JC: I need to get out of here! I need to work! I need people! I need a social life! I need SEX!
Plumber: But, but ... but I’m a married man!
Plumber: But, but ... but I’m a married man!
BROADCAST NEWS
AARON: It was great...writing my little first rate copy, sitting on my jacket, punching my one thought. But I had this historic attack of flop sweat so they'll never let me another again. Oh, I lost one of your shoulder pads -- how was your evening anyway?
JANE: What do you mean, flop sweat? -- you're making too much out of it...I'll bet you were the only one aware of it...
AARON: People phoned in.
JANE: Stop kidding. I want to know what happened.
AARON: I'm not kidding.
JANE: There were complaining phone calls because you were sweating?
AARON: No, nice ones worried that I was having a heart attack.
JANE: What do you mean, flop sweat? -- you're making too much out of it...I'll bet you were the only one aware of it...
AARON: People phoned in.
JANE: Stop kidding. I want to know what happened.
AARON: I'm not kidding.
JANE: There were complaining phone calls because you were sweating?
AARON: No, nice ones worried that I was having a heart attack.
snip
[Watching Aaron's flop sweat attack]
News Producer: This is more than Nixon ever sweated.
News Producer: This is more than Nixon ever sweated.
snip
Aaron Altman: I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.
Jane Craig: This isn't friendship. You're crazy, you know that?
Aaron Altman: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?
Jane Craig: God!
Aaron Altman: Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?
[hisses]
Aaron Altman: No. I'm semi-serious here.
Jane Craig: You're seriously...
Aaron Altman: He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.
Jane Craig: This isn't friendship. You're crazy, you know that?
Aaron Altman: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?
Jane Craig: God!
Aaron Altman: Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?
[hisses]
Aaron Altman: No. I'm semi-serious here.
Jane Craig: You're seriously...
Aaron Altman: He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.
snip
Jane Craig: So you like me, huh?
Tom Granick: I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an a**hole.
Tom Granick: I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an a**hole.
snip
Aaron Altman: Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say it's not nice to point at single fat women.
snip
[after Paul fires one of his workers]
Paul Moore: Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.
Paul Moore: Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.
IN THE LOOP
Malcolm Tucker: "Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!
snip
Judy: You know they're all kids in Washington? It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.
snip
Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
snip
Malcolm Tucker: Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a f*cking paper weight. That's a true story.
snip
Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... Is this it? No offence, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a f*cking toilet.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat f*ck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your f*cking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat f*ck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your f*cking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.
snip
Linton Barwick: Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.
Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his f*cking umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your f*cking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to f*cking bail you out.
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.
Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his f*cking umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your f*cking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to f*cking bail you out.
SISTER ACT
(Maggie Smith) This is your cell. Mary Clarence.
(Whoopi Goldberg) My what?
(Maggie) Your cell. Your room.
(Whoopi) Oh. Man. No wonder you waited till now to spring this on me. It's like a nightmare. Where's the rest of the furniture?
(Maggie) Our lives are simple. We have little need for material possessions.
(Whoopi) This is out of the Stone Age. Where's the phone?
(Maggie) Who would you call?
(Whoopi) I don't know. Satan?
(Whoopi Goldberg) My what?
(Maggie) Your cell. Your room.
(Whoopi) Oh. Man. No wonder you waited till now to spring this on me. It's like a nightmare. Where's the rest of the furniture?
(Maggie) Our lives are simple. We have little need for material possessions.
(Whoopi) This is out of the Stone Age. Where's the phone?
(Maggie) Who would you call?
(Whoopi) I don't know. Satan?
snip
(Maggie) If I were you. I would use this time to think about my life and its direction. Or lack thereof.
(Whoopi) There's nothing wrong with my life. You know. Before I came here. I had a career. I had friends. I had clothing that fit. Before I came here. I was okay.
(Maggie) Oh. Really? From what I've heard your singing career was almost nonexistent...and your married lover wants you dead.
(Whoopi) There's nothing wrong with my life. You know. Before I came here. I had a career. I had friends. I had clothing that fit. Before I came here. I was okay.
(Maggie) Oh. Really? From what I've heard your singing career was almost nonexistent...and your married lover wants you dead.
THE OUT OF TOWNERS
(Jack Lemmon) You could have been having breakfast in bed this morning. Orange juice and eggs and sausages and buttered toast with...marmalade and a pot full of hot coffee. Instead, you're eating stale Cracker Jack left by a dog in an underpass in Central Park at... Where's my watch? My watch.
(Sandy Dennis) Don't get excited.
(Jack) I'm not excited. Where is it?
(Sandy) It all happened so quickly.
(Jack) What happened?
(Sandy) You said you wouldn't get excited!
(Jack) That's before what you said. Where's my watch?
(Sandy) I gave it to a man in a black cape while you were sleeping.
(Jack) You gave my ____ watch to a man in a black cape? Why?
(Sandy) Because it looked like he had a knife. I told you, it all happened so quickly!
(Jack) Why didn't you wake me up?
(Sandy) I didn't want you to get knifed!
(Jack) You're telling me I was mugged while I was sleeping? By a man in a cape? I don't believe that.
(Sandy) You were robbed by a man with an umbrella. You believed that, didn't you?
(Jack) He didn't ask for any money?
(Sandy) He just took the watch and ran.
(Jack) He didn't ask for the watch, you just gave it to him?
(Sandy) I had to. He had a knife!
(Jack) Did you see the knife?
(Sandy) A man doesn't stand over you at four a.m. In a cape if he doesn't have a knife, does he?
(Jack) I don't know, it's never come up!
(Sandy) I don't want to discuss it.
(Sandy Dennis) Don't get excited.
(Jack) I'm not excited. Where is it?
(Sandy) It all happened so quickly.
(Jack) What happened?
(Sandy) You said you wouldn't get excited!
(Jack) That's before what you said. Where's my watch?
(Sandy) I gave it to a man in a black cape while you were sleeping.
(Jack) You gave my ____ watch to a man in a black cape? Why?
(Sandy) Because it looked like he had a knife. I told you, it all happened so quickly!
(Jack) Why didn't you wake me up?
(Sandy) I didn't want you to get knifed!
(Jack) You're telling me I was mugged while I was sleeping? By a man in a cape? I don't believe that.
(Sandy) You were robbed by a man with an umbrella. You believed that, didn't you?
(Jack) He didn't ask for any money?
(Sandy) He just took the watch and ran.
(Jack) He didn't ask for the watch, you just gave it to him?
(Sandy) I had to. He had a knife!
(Jack) Did you see the knife?
(Sandy) A man doesn't stand over you at four a.m. In a cape if he doesn't have a knife, does he?
(Jack) I don't know, it's never come up!
(Sandy) I don't want to discuss it.
snip
(Sandy) What do you think, George? What do you think?
(Jack) I think I just busted a tooth.
(Sandy) On the Cracker Jack?
(Jack) I must have swallowed the prize. It felt like a little tin toy.
(Jack) I think I just busted a tooth.
(Sandy) On the Cracker Jack?
(Jack) I must have swallowed the prize. It felt like a little tin toy.
snip
(Jack) Did you hear that? A whistling sound... I'm whistling through my broken tooth.
(Sandy) I don't hear it.
(Jack) On the "s". It's a whistling sound! You think they'll give the job to a man who can't smile and whistles? Not on your sweet life.
(Sandy) I don't hear it.
(Jack) On the "s". It's a whistling sound! You think they'll give the job to a man who can't smile and whistles? Not on your sweet life.
snip
(Jack) Let's go out the west side.
(Sandy) I can't move.
(Jack) You chased a dog and beat a horse. You're stronger than you think.
(Sandy) I can't move.
(Jack) You chased a dog and beat a horse. You're stronger than you think.
ARSENIC AND OLD LACE
Mortimer Brewster: Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
snip
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
snip
Mortimer Brewster: But there's a body in the window seat!
Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster: You know?
Martha Brewster: Of course!
Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster: You know?
Martha Brewster: Of course!
Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
snip
Mortimer Brewster: Now look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
THE GRADUATE
Room Clerk: Are you here for an affair, sir?
Benjamin: What?
Room Clerk: The Singleman party, sir?
Benjamin: Ah, yes, the Singleman party.
Benjamin: What?
Room Clerk: The Singleman party, sir?
Benjamin: Ah, yes, the Singleman party.
snip
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.
Benjamin: Yes?
Mrs. Robinson: Isn't there something you want to tell me?
Benjamin: Tell you?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes.
Benjamin: Well, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Really.
Mrs. Robinson: The number.
Benjamin: What?
Mrs. Robinson: The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.
Benjamin: Yes?
Mrs. Robinson: Isn't there something you want to tell me?
Benjamin: Tell you?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes.
Benjamin: Well, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Really.
Mrs. Robinson: The number.
Benjamin: What?
Mrs. Robinson: The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.
THE BIRDCAGE
Armand: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?
Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.
Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!
Agador: I know.
Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.
Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!
Agador: I know.
snip
Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
snip
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
MIDNIGHT RUN
Jack Walsh: I can't keep you cuffed on a commercial flight, and I gotta check my gun with my luggage, but you f*ck with me once and I'm gonna break your neck.
Jonathan Mardukas: I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: What?
Jonathan Mardukas: You heard me, I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: No, no, no. You're going to have to do better than that, pal.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, I don't have to do better than that, because it's the truth, I can't fly: I suffer from aviaphobia.
Jack Walsh: What does that mean?
Jonathan Mardukas: It means I can't fly. I also suffer from acrophobia and claustrophobia.
Jack Walsh: I'll tell you what: if you don't cooperate, you're gonna suffer from "fistophobia".
Jonathan Mardukas: I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: What?
Jonathan Mardukas: You heard me, I can't fly.
Jack Walsh: No, no, no. You're going to have to do better than that, pal.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, I don't have to do better than that, because it's the truth, I can't fly: I suffer from aviaphobia.
Jack Walsh: What does that mean?
Jonathan Mardukas: It means I can't fly. I also suffer from acrophobia and claustrophobia.
Jack Walsh: I'll tell you what: if you don't cooperate, you're gonna suffer from "fistophobia".
snip
Jack Walsh: Well, let me describe the scene to you: There are these guys, see? They've probably been up for like two days; they stink of B.O.; they have coffee breath; they're constipated from sittin' on their asses for so long; they're sitting in a van, and they're probably parked right up the street from your office Eddie, YOUR PHONE IS TAPPED!
snip
Jimmy Serrano: Don't say a word to me, Sidney, don't say a f*cking word to me. I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone in your head.
snip
Jonathan Mardukas: You have two emotions, silence and rage.
snip
Jonathan Mardukas: You two are the dumbest bounty hunters I have ever seen! You couldn't even deliver a bottle of milk!
snip
Jonathan Mardukas: All you're leaving is two dollars?
Jack Walsh: That's fifteen percent.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, that's thirteen percent!
Jack Walsh: That's fifteen percent.
Jonathan Mardukas: No, that's thirteen percent!
snip
Jonathan Mardukas: What you think Serrano is most afraid of?
Jack Walsh: [pause for a moment] going cross-country with you!
Jack Walsh: [pause for a moment] going cross-country with you!
snip
Jimmy Serrano: Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone.
OFFICE SPACE
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
snip
Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
snip
Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
snip
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
snip
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
Bank Teller #1: Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?
Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean?
Virgil: It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural.
Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup?
Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean?
Virgil: It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural.
Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup?
snip
Louise: He'd have the gang over for a meeting and I'd put out a little tray of pretzels and bullets... I had to. He's my husband.
snip
The Narrator: Food on a chain gang is scarce and not very nourishing. The men get one hot meal a day: a bowl of steam.
THE IN-LAWS
Sheldon: You were involved in the Bay of Pigs?
Vince Ricardo: Involved? That was my idea.
Vince Ricardo: Involved? That was my idea.
snip
Vince Ricardo: I was in the jungle - the bush we called it - for approximately nine months...
Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something!
Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.
Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something!
Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.
snip
Sheldon: There's no reason to shoot at me, I'm a dentist.
snip
Sheldon: Please God, don't let me die on West 31st Street!
snip
Vince Ricardo: Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine!
THE ODD COUPLE
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray: What do you got?
Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray: I'm hungry!
Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray: What do you got?
Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray: I'm hungry!
Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
snip
Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
snip
Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.
snip
Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
snip
Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
[smells his cards]
Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
snip
Gwendolyn Pigeon: It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.
Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]
Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]
IN AND OUT
Peter: What was Barbra Streisand's eighth album?
Howard: Color Me Barbra.
Peter: Stud!
Howard: Everybody knows that!
Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
Howard: Color Me Barbra.
Peter: Stud!
Howard: Everybody knows that!
Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
snip
Emily: (standing there in her wedding dress)Are you really gay?
Howard: Hmm Hmm
Emily: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT OF TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!
Howard: Hmm Hmm
Emily: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT OF TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!
snip
Cameron: This is where I grew up.
Sonja: I don't care.
Cameron: Sonja, we're here to help someone. For once, we're gonna think about something besides our careers and our hair.
Sonja: I don't care.
Cameron: Sonja, we're here to help someone. For once, we're gonna think about something besides our careers and our hair.
AIRPLANE
Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We're regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
snip
Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!
[cross-posted on correntewire]
------------------
So many great movies here and great actors—Albert Brooks is one of my favorites. But this line—"insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops."—this is brilliant.
Boy, you've put a lot of work in this libby. My faves from your list are Broadcast News, a movie that seems to improve on each viewing, and In the Loop, a lamentably under-seen savage comedy.
Aside from some obvious ones like the Marx Brothers stateroom scene, I'd have to give more thought to specific one from othe favorite comedies. There isn't any one that stands out in The Philadelphia Story but the dialogue, pacing and great acting put it on my shortlist of greatest comedies ever. Ditto with The Lady Eve, Annie Hall and Some Like it Hot.
The talking fish scene in Road to Utopia always cracks me up. Likewise any of the scenes in The Wrong Box that feature Peacock the aged butler.
In more modern times the scene of Nicholas Cage sitting through South Pacific highlights in Honeymoon in Vegas is pretty god, as are all the courtroom scenes in My Cousin Vinnie.
Across the pond there's Hugh Grant's wedding toast in Four Wedding and a Funeral, and Tom Wilkinson's job interview that's sabotaged by the dancing lawn ornaments in The Full Monty. Across the other pond there's the older office-mate's dance scenes in the Japanese original version of Shall We Dance.
A list like this ought to include some Chaplin. How about the boxing scene from City Lights or the assembly line scenes from Modern Times.
Great topic libby. I'll be back to see what else OSers come up with.
Aside from some obvious ones like the Marx Brothers stateroom scene, I'd have to give more thought to specific one from othe favorite comedies. There isn't any one that stands out in The Philadelphia Story but the dialogue, pacing and great acting put it on my shortlist of greatest comedies ever. Ditto with The Lady Eve, Annie Hall and Some Like it Hot.
The talking fish scene in Road to Utopia always cracks me up. Likewise any of the scenes in The Wrong Box that feature Peacock the aged butler.
In more modern times the scene of Nicholas Cage sitting through South Pacific highlights in Honeymoon in Vegas is pretty god, as are all the courtroom scenes in My Cousin Vinnie.
Across the pond there's Hugh Grant's wedding toast in Four Wedding and a Funeral, and Tom Wilkinson's job interview that's sabotaged by the dancing lawn ornaments in The Full Monty. Across the other pond there's the older office-mate's dance scenes in the Japanese original version of Shall We Dance.
A list like this ought to include some Chaplin. How about the boxing scene from City Lights or the assembly line scenes from Modern Times.
Great topic libby. I'll be back to see what else OSers come up with.
WOW so many great lines
Thank you for sharing
~R~
Thank you for sharing
~R~
Nice selection, but no Ferris Buhler?
"Anyone?...anyone?... Buhler... Where's Buhler?"
"Anyone?...anyone?... Buhler... Where's Buhler?"
A couple more. "This one goes to 11" from This is Spinal Tap and the probation/suspension hearing from Animal House. Both movies have plenty of other great ones.
From BRINGING UP BABY with Cary Grant & Katherine Hepburn
(about a scatter-brained heiress Susan who drags a mild-mannered scientist Dr. David Huxly
into helping her care for a leopard named Baby)
the funniest movie ever made,
probably any line in the movie!
Dr. David Huxley:
Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but, well, there haven't been any quiet moments.
When a man is wrestling a leopard in the middle of a pond, he's in no position to run!
[David discovers the leopard in Susan's bathroom]
David: Susan, you've got to get out of this apartment!
Susan: I can't, I have a lease.
(about a scatter-brained heiress Susan who drags a mild-mannered scientist Dr. David Huxly
into helping her care for a leopard named Baby)
the funniest movie ever made,
probably any line in the movie!
Dr. David Huxley:
Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but, well, there haven't been any quiet moments.
When a man is wrestling a leopard in the middle of a pond, he's in no position to run!
[David discovers the leopard in Susan's bathroom]
David: Susan, you've got to get out of this apartment!
Susan: I can't, I have a lease.
Good heavens!
Did you get into some of Tink's nip?!
R
.
Did you get into some of Tink's nip?!
R
.
Given the horror story that the world is going through, we need many more funny moments of escape. R.
Thanks so much for this list!! I have been watching old movies lately and marvel at the great lines....I love the line in Auntie Mame...."Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"
Great selections... but I'd add some of the great lines from the Marx Brothers like: "Der ain't no Sanity Clause...", "Via a duck, vy not a goose?", the crowded cabin scene from "Night at the Opera" , or the lyrics from "Lydia the Tattooed Lady" and "I'm Against It,"
and my favorite: "The Country's Going to War" from "Duck Soup."
Reminds me of the last six decades of American history here in the good old USA:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyeKYQdYISg
My favorite chorus: "Ohhhh, they got guns,
we got guns,
All God's children got guns!
We gonna walk all over that battlefield cause
All God's children got guns!!!"
R&R ;-D
and my favorite: "The Country's Going to War" from "Duck Soup."
Reminds me of the last six decades of American history here in the good old USA:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyeKYQdYISg
My favorite chorus: "Ohhhh, they got guns,
we got guns,
All God's children got guns!
We gonna walk all over that battlefield cause
All God's children got guns!!!"
R&R ;-D
Just thought of some more:
Peter Cook 's hilarious Arch Bishop in "The Princess Bride":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc
Which I used to get a laugh in the only wedding I ever officiated.
Wallace Shawn's death scene in the battle of wits from "The Princess Bride":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_eZmEiyTo0
Peter Sellers in the War Room Scene from "Dr. Strangelove"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaTR46iU1Do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI5B7jLWZUc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEB-OoUrNuk
And although I could not find any of their best scenes on Youtube, I laughed my ass off at Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in 1967's "Bedazzled":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au9_vfx6t6c&index=2&list=RDy8tA1wH3cck
Peter Cook 's hilarious Arch Bishop in "The Princess Bride":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc
Which I used to get a laugh in the only wedding I ever officiated.
Wallace Shawn's death scene in the battle of wits from "The Princess Bride":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_eZmEiyTo0
Peter Sellers in the War Room Scene from "Dr. Strangelove"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaTR46iU1Do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI5B7jLWZUc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEB-OoUrNuk
And although I could not find any of their best scenes on Youtube, I laughed my ass off at Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in 1967's "Bedazzled":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au9_vfx6t6c&index=2&list=RDy8tA1wH3cck
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