Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
On performance evaluation: He couldn’t sell blood to a vampire!
Overheard: “I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus!”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and dip-shit’s.
A guy calls the hospital. “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!” The nurse responds, “Please calm down. Now, is this her first child?” He: “NO, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!!”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a dear with no eyes? No idea!
Sign on a fortune teller’s door: Medium Prices
Sign on an antique shop: Remains to be Seen
Sign on a music store: Gone Chopin. Back in a Minuet.
Book Titles:
“How to be Great at Sports” by Hugh DeMann
“Always at Work” by Anita Dayoff
“Great Quotes from Shakespeare” by Toby R. Notobee
“Planning a Vacation” by Vera U. Going
Math Challenges:
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
shortest distance between 2 jokes = 1 straight line
2000 mockingbirds = 1 kilomockingbird
10 cards = 1 decacards
time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananasecond
Classic Hollywood Quotables:
Paul Newman: “The salad dressing is outgrossing my films!”
Shirley Temple: “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. My mother took me and he asked for my autograph.”
Elizabeth Taylor: “Always the bride, never the bridesmaid.”
Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.”
TOM SWIFTIES (adverbial puns):
“My pencil is dull,” Tom said pointlessly.
“She tore my valentine in half,” Tom said half-heartedly.
“I’m feeling sick,” Tom said fluently.
“I milk cows,” Tom said moodily.
“I love cats,” Tom mused.
“That’s a mongrel,” Tom muttered.
“I travel all over America,” Tom stated.
“Company’s coming?” Tom guessed.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6AM. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend that day. After checking his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) he turned off his radio (MADE IN INDIA), went outside and got into his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and drove off to continue his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of another futile day he came home, put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA). Maybe tomorrow he would find something?
Got a Tom Swiftie in ya?
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Excellent collection. The book titles remind me of the job titles on Cartalk. (Have you ever gone to the Cartalk website? That's where the full list of those is, and it's the best collection of puns I know of in the English language, no exaggeration.)
Phonetic is spelled the way it sounds. PH is an F alternative in English.
I love the Fsh joke.
You have to be a New Yorker or a New Englander to get No Idea. I used to be one, so I do.
I absolutely loved the Shirley Temple quote. It's perfect.
More of these made me laugh than I'm listing and I'm sorry, but I don't think I have one in me this morning.
And don't let go of your last thread yet. I think it's still in its early stages.
Phonetic is spelled the way it sounds. PH is an F alternative in English.
I love the Fsh joke.
You have to be a New Yorker or a New Englander to get No Idea. I used to be one, so I do.
I absolutely loved the Shirley Temple quote. It's perfect.
More of these made me laugh than I'm listing and I'm sorry, but I don't think I have one in me this morning.
And don't let go of your last thread yet. I think it's still in its early stages.
There was a reason that I forgot Tom Swift, here's hoping that I can recall it, soon!! R&R
Ha Ha. Light is good. Dark not so much. R.
I'm from Illinois, but I got the "No idea!" That's because I am an unofficial student of American accents. These made me smile.
Lezlie
Lezlie
"Sign on an antique shop: Remains to be seen"
*groan*
Thanks for the Friday smiles this morning : )
...and that last one about the job-hunting American....
no kidding.
*groan*
Thanks for the Friday smiles this morning : )
...and that last one about the job-hunting American....
no kidding.
Kosh, this sort-of-southerner-sort-of-west-coaster got the 'no idea' joke too -- we have heard those outlandish New York/New England accents in other parts of the country, you know : )
JT,
OK. I just figured that reading it, that's not the first way you'd think of it being pronounced. Catch me when I'm tired enough and I talk like that.
OK. I just figured that reading it, that's not the first way you'd think of it being pronounced. Catch me when I'm tired enough and I talk like that.
I'm still looking for a way to abbreviate 'abbreviation'......
R
;-) ;-) ;-)
.
R
;-) ;-) ;-)
.
Oh my, you guys mustn't encourage me. :-) I've been saving and hoarding my favorite internet jokes for years. Puns that make you wince especially a fun goal. Enjoyed the feedback exchange! Off to work but will be back. best, libby
Kosh, just a gentle teasing, I hope...
Just Thinking,
Don't sweat it....... Kosh talks funny even in print!
.
Don't sweat it....... Kosh talks funny even in print!
.
`
bump into cat in barroom
look for a synonym for bra
find synonym for sin some
bump into cat in barroom
look for a synonym for bra
find synonym for sin some
Every Christmas we sing "The First Noe."
Even a broken European clock is right once a day.
Even a broken European clock is right once a day.
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