Did you know that a duck’s quack won’t echo. It is a scientific challenge.
Did you know that the airplane that Buddy Holly died in was named “American Pie”? Don McLean did!
They say a good pun is its own “reword”.
Rita Rudner: “I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
Husband: “I have the body of a God!”Wife: “BUDDHA!”
Do you know what you get when you multiply 111,111,111 by itself? Answer: 12,345,678,987,654,321!
What is the longest word one can type with one’s left hand?Answer: "Stewardesses" (too bad it is politically incorrect to say)
Marital advice:“A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.”
Did you know that giraffes have no vocal cords?
99 percent of bankers and lawyers give the rest a bad name!
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has the horse with both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has the horse with one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If a statue in the park has a person on a horse with the horse with all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Did you know tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur?
Did you know that two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey?
“Some people have a way with words, others not have way.”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Coca-cola was originally green.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: Afghan.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Did you know that the airplane that Buddy Holly died in was named “American Pie”? Don McLean did!
They say a good pun is its own “reword”.
Rita Rudner: “I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
Husband: “I have the body of a God!”Wife: “BUDDHA!”
Do you know what you get when you multiply 111,111,111 by itself? Answer: 12,345,678,987,654,321!
What is the longest word one can type with one’s left hand?Answer: "Stewardesses" (too bad it is politically incorrect to say)
Marital advice:“A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.”
Did you know that giraffes have no vocal cords?
99 percent of bankers and lawyers give the rest a bad name!
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has the horse with both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has the horse with one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If a statue in the park has a person on a horse with the horse with all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Did you know tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur?
Did you know that two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey?
“Some people have a way with words, others not have way.”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Coca-cola was originally green.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: Afghan.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have about ten.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan made more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Riddle: Where do you "weigh a pie"?ANSWER: Somewhere over the rainbow!
Healthy Self Esteem:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Really BLACK humor:Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
HOW TO SING THE BLUES: A PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 poun'."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in no place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: ~~a. highway ~~b. jailhouse ~~c. empty bed ~~d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues ~~a. Nordstroms ~~b. gallery openings ~~c. Ivy League institutions ~~d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slep' in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if - ~~a. you older than dirt ~~b. you blind ~~c. you shot a man in Memphis ~~d. you can't be satisfied No, if - ~~a. you have all your teeth ~~b. you were once blind but now can see ~~c. the man in Memphis lived`~~d. you have a 401K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and you darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: ~~a. cheap wine ~~b. whiskey or Bourbon ~~c. muddy water ~~d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: ~~a. Perrier ~~b. Chardonnay ~~c. Snapple ~~d. Slim Fast ~~e. Diet Coke.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: ~~a. Sadie ~~b. Big Mama ~~c. Bessie ~~e. Caledonia ~~d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men: ~~a. Joe ~~b. Willie ~~c. Little Willie ~~d. Big Willie ~~e. Leroy
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Jakeleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have about ten.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan made more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Riddle: Where do you "weigh a pie"?ANSWER: Somewhere over the rainbow!
Healthy Self Esteem:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Really BLACK humor:Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
HOW TO SING THE BLUES: A PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 poun'."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in no place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: ~~a. highway ~~b. jailhouse ~~c. empty bed ~~d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues ~~a. Nordstroms ~~b. gallery openings ~~c. Ivy League institutions ~~d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slep' in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if - ~~a. you older than dirt ~~b. you blind ~~c. you shot a man in Memphis ~~d. you can't be satisfied No, if - ~~a. you have all your teeth ~~b. you were once blind but now can see ~~c. the man in Memphis lived`~~d. you have a 401K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and you darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: ~~a. cheap wine ~~b. whiskey or Bourbon ~~c. muddy water ~~d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: ~~a. Perrier ~~b. Chardonnay ~~c. Snapple ~~d. Slim Fast ~~e. Diet Coke.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: ~~a. Sadie ~~b. Big Mama ~~c. Bessie ~~e. Caledonia ~~d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men: ~~a. Joe ~~b. Willie ~~c. Little Willie ~~d. Big Willie ~~e. Leroy
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Jakeleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
--------------
Humor is tricky stuff. Great tragedy mixed with immense stupidity such as the hunter shooting his friend to make sure he's dead is very funny, but the presidency of Obama somehow doesn't amuse me.
This was fun L. Not your usual with out the red and white...
Amusing list libby. The line "Some people have a way with words, others not have way.” reminded me of Joe Orton's speech when he won his first drama award. IMDB shows the following quote:
"My plays are about getting away with it, and the ones who get away with it are the guilty ones. It's the innocents who get it in the neck. But that all seems pretty true to life to me. Not a fantasy at all. I've got away with it *so far*"
However, when Gary Oldman delivers the line he seems to be punning between "got away" and "got a way". As Orton loved puns it's a plausible reading.
By the way, that is from the movie Prick Up Your Ears about the life of Joe Orton. It's well worth a look and the title itself is a bit of a joke if you treat "Ears" as an anagram.
"My plays are about getting away with it, and the ones who get away with it are the guilty ones. It's the innocents who get it in the neck. But that all seems pretty true to life to me. Not a fantasy at all. I've got away with it *so far*"
However, when Gary Oldman delivers the line he seems to be punning between "got away" and "got a way". As Orton loved puns it's a plausible reading.
By the way, that is from the movie Prick Up Your Ears about the life of Joe Orton. It's well worth a look and the title itself is a bit of a joke if you treat "Ears" as an anagram.
This is a Sad True Story.
Lawyers gutted a deer.
They hunted for deer.
`
They left hide, guts,
and beer cans in room.
It was on WHAG TV.
`
I No view the Sad Story.
They were Fined Heavily.
Some Folk are Sociopath.
`
Libby. Thanks. Rest Too.
No get Mind Burnt Out.
I went Brain Dead Once.
Or
Quite a Few Times. Duck.
I was Threatened. Lawyers,
Bankers, and they arrested?
Bankers in Waynesboro, PA.
FBI said ` His Hands are Tied.
What a Bad Memory. JailHouse.
ref ` Amerasian Kim Done Theft.
Who'd rob one of a Laundromat?
I get weary just thinking about it.
I fled to Nova Scotia during Bush.
I swear some Folk are Evil Beast!
Lawyers gutted a deer.
They hunted for deer.
`
They left hide, guts,
and beer cans in room.
It was on WHAG TV.
`
I No view the Sad Story.
They were Fined Heavily.
Some Folk are Sociopath.
`
Libby. Thanks. Rest Too.
No get Mind Burnt Out.
I went Brain Dead Once.
Or
Quite a Few Times. Duck.
I was Threatened. Lawyers,
Bankers, and they arrested?
Bankers in Waynesboro, PA.
FBI said ` His Hands are Tied.
What a Bad Memory. JailHouse.
ref ` Amerasian Kim Done Theft.
Who'd rob one of a Laundromat?
I get weary just thinking about it.
I fled to Nova Scotia during Bush.
I swear some Folk are Evil Beast!
Lots of interesting things I didn't know. The primer on the blues was priceless.
Thank you for a morning laugh!
Thank you for a morning laugh!
I used to own an old pickup, and I have been trying for years to write a song about it. It starts: I got me a Ford pickup, back in 79... She's a good pickup.
Now I know why I can't finish it. I now own a computer!
Thanks, enjoyed this.
Now I know why I can't finish it. I now own a computer!
Thanks, enjoyed this.
Wonderful stuff but my favorite is " 99 percent of bankers and lawyers give the rest a bad name!" Made me laugh for the first time today! R&R
WOOF! woof! WoOf! wOOf! WOOf! And, give me a break Libby - all men have just torn down their Naked Poster of Marilyn Monroe! R
Fun post. Do you just know this stuff or did you have to look it up?
Whichever, more of these please. R
Whichever, more of these please. R
WOKE UP THIS MORNING...WOOOO WOOOO....
I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
YEAH SHE'S MEAN.....SHE GOT A REAL BAD TEMPER......WOO WOOOOO!! :D
I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
YEAH SHE'S MEAN.....SHE GOT A REAL BAD TEMPER......WOO WOOOOO!! :D
You've unearthed a lot of fun and interesting stuff. I love the Blues Primer.
Great and great conversation material herein too!!!
This is just TOO funny! Thanks for a good read!
Canadians can too sing the blues.... we just don't call 'm "the blues". The "stormy whiteouts" is what we calls 'em.
Hey. Ya gotta goes with what ya knows..... right?
R
;-)
.
Hey. Ya gotta goes with what ya knows..... right?
R
;-)
.
Love the humor about "Hard times in Minneapolis and Seattle is probably just clinical depresssion." yeah, can't have no blues on the golf course or whle shopping at Nordstroms.
I love the old bar jokes like: two atoms walk into a bar. One says, "Oh my god! I've lost an electron!"
Are you sure, says her companion.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Abra's comment reminds meof the reponse of the Irish playwirght Brendan Behan when pressed by opening night newsmen: "But what was the message of your play, sir?"
"Message! Message!?" he exploded. "What do you think I am, a bloody postman?!"
I love the old bar jokes like: two atoms walk into a bar. One says, "Oh my god! I've lost an electron!"
Are you sure, says her companion.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Abra's comment reminds meof the reponse of the Irish playwirght Brendan Behan when pressed by opening night newsmen: "But what was the message of your play, sir?"
"Message! Message!?" he exploded. "What do you think I am, a bloody postman?!"
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